Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Wouldn't it be Terryble if he had been arrested for inappropriate PDA

Oh, how I don't miss the days when it was my job to at least give the pretence of caring about the sexual habits of that revolting squit, John Terry, and his desperado of a cuckold wife, Toni.

The Sand Warlock came in the other day and told me me that he had seen in the local press that the loathsome pair were holidaying in Abu Dhabi and I rather grumpily told him that I didn't care because I wasn't a tabloid staffer or agency journalist and I was glad that I didn't have to care any more.  Then, rumblings appeared in the local papers that people were less than impressed with Toni's revolting arse flossing swimming costume and their hideously staged display of affection which said to anyone with half a brain cell:  "We know that John's football career is finite so we're indulging in a crappy publicity stunt for a quick payday, even though we're wadded, we can't have enough money, you know, and we think you lot are stupid enough to believe that even though John is widely acknowledged to have the sexual appetite of an adolescent terrier on Viagra, we are in fact dead happily married, like, yeah, and John deserves a reputation as a dedicated family man and a highly paid career as a tedious git of a pundit, no really, he does, so this is our attempt to convince you that that's what he should have."

Anyway.  The point where it occurred to me for a milisecond that the Terrys might actually get in trouble for their antics was when I became interested.  I had a brief chat with a fellow hack still toiling at the coal face back home who said that it's not really a story for UK papers as the complaints about Terrys were confined to Twitter rather than to the police or authorities.  But, as my hack friend said: "Of course, it would break my heart if John Terry ended up rotting in a hellhole Abu Dhabi jail."

Unfortunately for us nasty newspaper types, the Terrys carried out their entirely unconvincing hormone fest in the "privacy" (with the exception of invited pap photographers) of their hotel beach and pool so their public display of affection (PDA) was not illegal, nor indeed was that strange mankini donned by the ever faithful Toni.  For it is indeed true that thongs are none too kindly looked upon by the authorities here, what with it being technically (that word again) a conservative, Islamic country.

The Sand Warlock, brother of Sand Witch and I were at Aquaventure, the ginormous water park at the Atlantis Hotel on the bonkers Palm Jumeirah at the weekend, and I happened to notice a sign saying: "No thongs", by which they mean the pants part of bikinis/mankinis, before any of you Australians start going on about flipflops.  "Phew," I thought, "luckily I didn't wear my Brazilian style glittery thong today or I might have been in trouble." Swimming costumes and bikinis are OK as long as you confine them to the beaches and the pools and don't wonder the streets in them like a Brit on holiday in Magaluf.  But thongs are a no no.  I'm kind of in agreement with them to be honest as the problem with things like thongs is that I'm sure they're theoretically fine on lissome, young ladies and very, very carefully waxed young men, but there's always someone who really shouldn't who decides they're the way forward. Who knows? Maybe it's nothing to to do with the conservative society and they've banned them on grounds of good taste.

Of course, there's always a way around any ban.  The lissome young ladies at Aquaventure have a delightful habit of rolling up their pants and tucking them into their arse cracks.  I know tan lines are unattractive, but is it really worth giving yourself a permanent wedgy to avoid them?  Apparently the answer to that question for some is a resounding "yes".

Generally speaking, people abide by the rules in the UAE, ie, they don't snog in public or dress too outrageously. And people tend not to be seen in public falling down drunk as that, too, can lead to criminal charges.  The Terrys' behaviour quite neatly sums up the fact that you can get away with a lot of things in the UAE providing you a) don't do it in "public" or b) are very rich.  In my largely uneducated opinion, if they had had their collars felt for their behaviour, it would potentially put a lot of other rich idiots off holidaying in the UAE and be bad for the economy.  That's why they're free to behave as they choose, conservative, Islamic society or not.

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